Defiance: Why Our Kids Do It, and How to Handle It
Dealing with a child exhibiting defiant behavior is, in my experience, arguably one of the most difficult, confusing and frustrating tasks required of parents and teachers in helping their children navigate healthy social and emotional development. One reason for this is that our understanding of why defiance occurs can often be misinformed. Another is that defiance, quite literally, challenges us and inconveniences us. And, still another is that very often, by nature of our own societal learning and upbringing, our instincts about how to handle a child being defiant are in direct conflict with what actually works. With all of these variable factors at play, parenting and teaching a child who is acting defiant can turn into an exhausting and never-ending power struggle. While dealing with defiance is never easy, there are a few “tricks of the trade” and important misconceptions to debunk that can make this parenting and teaching obstacle slightly more manageable and less overwhelming for everyone involved. First, let’s address a few common myths about why defiant behavior may be exhibited by our children.
“He just doesn’t care.”
I’m going to let you in on a little counselor secret. Are you ready? Here it comes: all kids care. All humans care! Even when we say we don’t care, we do, and this is particularly true of our children. While we may not care about what a rude person at the grocery store thinks of us, or what an unfriendly neighbor thinks of us, or even what some of our coworkers think of us, we do care about what the people we love, value, and cherish think of us. The same is true for children tenfold. You, as a loved and cherished adult in their life who protects, comforts and cares for them, are their world. You are their biggest cheerleader, their fiercest protector and their most consistent source of safety and calm. They absolutely care - I promise! Oftentimes we misinterpret defiance in our children as a lack of caring because by nature of the definition of defiance, there’s a level of disengagement involved. It can feel like a perfectly logical and reasonable jump for us to make from “this child is disengaged” to “this child doesn’t care.” Resist this urge! There are a plethora of reasons why children disengage from their environments and behave defiantly, which we will address shortly, but not caring is never one of them. All humans have an innate desire to be successful, loved, and seen, and your child is no different!
“She’s just trying to get attention.”
This may, occasionally, be true, if we get rid of the word “just” (key word: occasionally. By no means is all defiant behavior motivated by a need for attention, but there certainly are cases where this is true). “Just” implies that this is something your child has frivolously decided to engage in without being particularly invested in the outcome. She may be trying to get your attention, but I can assure you it isn’t just for sport. The question becomes - why? This is a question you will hear me encourage you to ask yourself frequently when it comes to helping your child navigate their social and emotional landscape. Behavior is an external manifestation of emotion, not a motivator in and of itself. Why might your child feel that they need more attention, and why do they believe that this behavior will get them the answer they seek? If you can shift your lens to view attention-seeking defiance as an indicator that your child has a need that is not being met, rather than an arbitrary nuisance they are imposing on you, you are halfway to the solution.
“He’s just trying to get under my skin.”
Again - why? In my experience, merely irritating the adult in question is one of the less common reasons that children engage in defiant behavior (see: all kids care). It does happen, however, and when it does it is almost always a sign to me as a child’s counselor that there is some sort of legitimate strain or stress in their relationship with this adult. In this particular scenario, after exploring the relationship with the child, I almost always uncover a source of hurt. I don’t mean hurt like “my teacher called my mom about my missing homework” or “my mom wouldn’t let me stay out with my friends all night.” These are scenarios that, while momentarily frustrating for children, are short-lived nuisances that they ultimately know are in place for their own well-being, and are often forgotten about fairly quickly. Typically when kids are “just trying to get under your skin,” it’s because there are deeper, more cutting emotions at play in their relationship with you: betrayal, shame, lack of trust, or feeling disrespected, to name a few. While this form of defiance is slightly less common, if this is what you are experiencing with your child, take some time to step back and view your relationship from your child’s perspective, and ask yourself if your child could be feeling one or more of these things.
“She just wants her own way.”
This is quite literally true! But, try to reframe your mindset and reset your language. Again, “just” implies that your child’s feelings are insignificant. Defiance occurs when our children begin to feel the need to exert their independence and autonomy in a given situation. Independence and autonomy are incredible skill sets that we want to encourage our children to use! Try using “she wants to do this differently” or “she has another idea.” While the rules of your household or classroom won’t change, shifting to a strengths-based mindset can put you in a better position to ultimately help your child navigate their independence in an adaptive, healthy way and minimize power struggles between you.
So...What Should I Do?
The question we all came here to answer! What should I do if my child is exhibiting defiant behavior at home or in my classroom? While every child, household, and classroom is different, there are a handful of best practices when dealing with defiant behavior that utilized either alone or in conjunction with each other can be a game-changer pretty much across the board.
Keep Expectations Consistent and Clear
This is your number one preventative tool! Think about it: if yesterday your boss told you it was okay to take an extended lunch break, but today tells you that you’ll be docked pay for taking longer than half an hour, how would you feel? Confused, frustrated, over-controlled, and angry (and, much more likely to feel the need to exert your autonomy on principle alone). The same is true for our children. Changing our expectations from day to day is a quick recipe for defiant behavior, as kids will naturally test boundaries that they perceive as flexible. As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Do your best to commit to keeping the rules and expectations of your household clear and consistent, and you will find yourself naturally avoiding a lot of these power struggles with your child.
Listen to Them and Validate Their Emotions
This may be both the hardest and most important practice on this list. Let’s tell it like it is: defiant behavior can often feel deeply personal and immensely disrespectful to us as adults. There is no question that listening to and validating your child when you yourself are feeling frustrated, and possibly even hurt, is incredibly difficult. But, it is quite possibly the most important step in this process, and here’s why: if you are not listening to your child, you are likely not truly getting at the cause of their defiance, which is where the solution needs to begin. If you are not validating your child in their most challenging moments, the trust they have in you to help them navigate tricky emotions slowly erodes, and you will likely soon find that they stop telling you why they’re engaging in this behavior, no matter how many times you ask. Your child needs to feel that you are a safe and trustworthy person in their life who loves them and helps them learn from challenges in order to work through this behavioral hurdle, and you need to know why they are experiencing this behavioral hurdle in order to help them through it. Phrases like “It seems like you’re feeling ___, is that right?,” “Tell me more about that,” and “I hear you, I know this is frustrating” are simple ways that you can get to the bottom of your child’s behavior without breaking trust by making them feel heard and valued.
Provide Options
This is another useful preventative strategy, but to clarify, this truly refers to prevention, meaning that this is ideally done before your child has already become defiant and you are engaged in a power struggle with them. Once the situation has already escalated, if you offer your child the option between doing their homework in the kitchen or in their bedroom, their response is likely going to be “neither,” which only further locks you into the struggle of maintaining control. Instead of using this reactively, think about situations or times of day during which your child has a tendency to struggle with defiant behavior, and begin implementing two to three choices during those times. The key here: they have to all be choices that you are comfortable with if your child picks it! Do not offer your child an option that you do not actually want them to choose. For example, if getting dressed in the morning is a struggle with your five year old, try laying out two or three different outfits and allowing your child to pick their favorite. If being picked up from practice is a struggle for your teenager, give them the option of being picked up at school or slightly farther down the road. These are all options that you are likely comfortable with and feasible for you to implement consistently. Giving your child options allows them to utilize that autonomy and independence that they so desperately crave while still being able to maintain the expectations of your household.
Utilize Joint Problem-Solving
Once you have listened to and validated your child, and hopefully gotten to the root of what is causing their behavior, try using joint problem-solving to come up with your solution. This allows your child to be an active part of the process and subsequently engages and invests them in the solution. Try using something like, “so I’m hearing from you that you’re frustrated about ____. My worry is ____. Let’s think about some solutions we can come up with that solve both of our problems.” Again, the solution should work for both of you. Listening to and validating your child does not mean that the solution gives them whatever they want! It just means that they are an active stakeholder in finding a compromise - the compromise still needs to also work for you and your expectations of your child. If you believe that your child’s behavior was egregious enough that your problem-solving conversation needs to involve a consequence, you will be shocked to find how often your child answers the question, “What do you think is an appropriate consequence for what just happened?” with something that is absolutely reasonable! Our kids have an incredible ability to moderate when given the space to do so. If your child gives you a consequence that you feel is either much too lenient or much too severe, try “well, I don’t think that consequence is quite appropriate for what happened. That seems a little too ____ to me. Let’s brainstorm something that better reflects what happened.”
Praise Positive Decision-Making
I cannot say this enough: our kids need to hear from us when they are doing things right! This is especially true if your child struggles with defiant behavior. As a general rule in society, many of us rarely hear feedback when we are meeting expectations, but often receive feedback when we are not. This imbalanced ratio of positive-to-negative feedback is even more true for kids who struggle with behavioral challenges. They are inundated by feedback on what they are not doing right. Find those positive moments in your child’s day and capitalize on them. The key here is to be genuine! Kids have an uncanny ability to fish out when we are not being real. Capitalize on the genuine bright spots of their day and give them heartfelt praise when they are making positive decisions for themselves.
Give Minimal Attention to Poor Decision-Making
Of course, the flip side to positive praise is negative attention! When your child behaves in a way that does not meet your expectations, address it quickly, firmly, clearly, and move on. Giving too much time and attention to negative behavior can actually have the opposite effect of what we are looking for, so kiss lecturing goodbye! While we may think of lectures as necessary to address poor decision-making, what kids learn from lectures is that when they do something that does not meet your expectations, they get a lot of your time, energy, and love. Very often lectures even include some iteration of the phrase, “we’re doing this because we love you!” Walk away from long-winded chats or too much careful questioning about their decisions. Address what happened according to your household expectations, and move on.
Should I Seek Professional Support for My Child’s Defiance?
Every child is different, and the majority of families likely won’t need professional support in order to address defiance in their homes. That being said, many do, and there is absolutely no reason not to seek professional support if you feel that you or your child needs it. A fresh set of eyes never hurts! If you feel you or your child could use more support in working through their defiant behavior, a good place to start is to reach out to your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, teacher, or principal. While each child is different and much of defiant behavior you can likely address within your home, if your child is engaging in unsafe, harmful, or highly risky behaviors like violence, theft, substance use, or running away, or if their defiant behavior is having a considerable negative impact on the health of your home or their ability to access their education, particularly if their defiance is resulting in consequences like frequent detention or suspensions, it is likely time to reach out to a professional for more support