Supporting Your Child Through School Anxiety
School anxiety can feel like an overwhelming challenge as a parent, both because of the hurdles that it can put in the way of us carrying out our daily lives and because we often feel ill-equipped to handle it in the moment. As you try to hustle your kiddos out the door in the morning and are faced with a child refusing to go to school, you likely experience two very visceral realizations: “my child needs me right now, but I’m not sure what she needs” and “I’m going to be late for work. Again.” In this month’s Wellness in Focus, we’ll go over a few possible causes for your child’s school anxiety, some practical tips to help you both get out the door in the morning in a calmer space, and when to seek professional support for your child.
Why Is My Child Afraid to Go to School?
Kids can experience school anxiety for a number of reasons, and it’s important to try to get a sense of what might be fueling your child’s anxiety so that you can try to address some of the root causes. Social stressors like fitting in, struggling to make friends, or bullying could make school a nerve-wracking place for your child, and are all concerns that should be brought to the attention of your school’s counselor or principal.
Academic factors can also be a powerful influence on your child’s experience of school. Is your child finding the work at school overwhelmingly difficult? Painfully boring or too easy? Are they spending far too much time completing homework? Are they struggling to connect with their teacher or struggling with the learning style of the classroom? All of these are factors to consider talking to your child about and, ultimately, your child’s teacher about should it be necessary.
The structure of our home life can also be a factor in school anxiety. Ask yourself: is my child getting enough sleep? Are they overscheduled? Is our family experiencing a big transition of some sort? Is our home environment calm, organized, and prepared for tomorrow’s school day? Is my child getting enough quality time with me? Is someone in our home currently struggling or ill? Could my child be worried about leaving this person? A lack of feeling grounded or in control at home can sometimes contribute to a child’s resistance to leaving it.
And, still, some children who struggle more broadly with a mental health condition may experience school anxiety as a symptom. This could affect children living with conditions such as depression, generalized anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, among others. While we will touch on this in more detail in the last section, if you suspect that your child may be struggling with a larger mental health concern, reach out to your child’s school counselor or pediatrician for guidance on how to get your child the support that they may need.
What Should I Do?
So, your child is struggling to feel safe and confident in their school experience. Maybe you have even figured out why, which is an added bonus! (And, if you haven’t, that’s okay too.) This begs the question: what do I do now? As we get into some recommendations for supporting your child through their school anxiety, keep in mind that anxiety occurs when the task at hand feels to your child like more than they are equipped to handle. It is a natural element of human nature - for all of us - to react to challenges that we believe we don’t have the tools to address with fear and reluctance. Remember that the goal in addressing your child’s school anxiety is to help give them the tools they feel they need to tackle the challenge at hand.
Take it Slow and Steady
I can assure you that pushing your child to “toughen up” or “just get over it” and swiftly dropping them off at school without the strategies they may need will do nothing to quell your child’s fear of school. In fact, this is very likely to make the fear louder and more alarming in their minds, in addition to challenging the trust they have in your relationship. Prepare for this to take some time for your child to grasp. Keep in mind that right now this is the only way they know how to deal with their feelings of unease, so taking a slow and steady approach to empowering them is essential.
Validate, Not Rationalize
Remember that at this moment your child is operating out of a state of fear, not a state of logical thought. While you may know that avoiding school is not what is best for them logically, the rational part of their brain has been “switched off.” Fear lives in the sympathetic nervous system, which is focused on survival: fight, flight, or freeze. Right now, your child may be choosing one or all three of these options. Rationalizing with them verbally at this point in time will prove to be fruitless - they don’t have the ability to access your grown-up logic right now! Instead, validate how they are feeling. Hear them out, let them talk to you, and let them know that you understand how nervous, scared, or uneasy they may be feeling.
Calm the Sympathetic Nervous System
As I mentioned above, when your child is operating out of a state of fear, they’ve switched into fight or flight mode. Before we can help them feel prepared and empowered for school, which is a process that requires the ability to reason, we need to help them move out of survival mode and into rest and recovery. Help your child engage in activities that provide calming sensory input for their nervous system: soft music, warm lighting, soothing smells like lavender or ylang ylang, calming tastes like mint, chamomile, or ginger, and decompressing touch like stress balls, a plush pillow or a stuffed animal. Engage them in a firm but gentle hug and practice deep breathing together. Deep and purposeful breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which signals to your child’s body that it is safe and secure enough to enter into rest and recovery mode.
Get Active
Encouraging your child to engage in physical activity throughout the day is helpful in and of itself in releasing unpleasant emotions, but is particularly important after your child has come back out of fight or flight mode. A lot of stress hormones were released while they were operating in survival mode, and they need somewhere to go! Encourage your child to do some jumping jacks, dance, or run in place to release some of these big emotions they were just feeling. Once you have helped your child move from the visceral state of survival to the calm state of recovery, you can implement some of the solutions below to help them feel prepared and empowered to tackle the day ahead.
Get Organized
Consider using a checklist for your child in the morning to help orient them towards having a sense of control over their body, their day, and their emotions. This can be a simple checklist of tasks that they are able to complete in the morning like brushing their teeth, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and remembering their backpack. A list of simple, accomplishable tasks not only gives your child a sense of experiencing success first thing in the morning, but also allows them to focus on one hurdle at a time, rather than the overwhelming feeling of “everything I have to do today.” This can also help to slowly mentally prepare your child for their day.
Have a Proactive Bedtime Routine
Similarly to creating a checklist for your child’s morning, creating a calming bedtime routine can orient your child towards preparing for the day ahead of them in a purposeful and soothing way. Consider working in items like a warm bath or shower, some quiet time to draw, listen to music, or play independently, some one-on-one reading time with you (pick a special book you both love!), and a consistent bedtime appropriate for your child’s age (school-aged children should be getting a minimum of 9 hours of sleep a night, teenagers a minimum of 8.) A calming bedtime routine sets the tone for your child’s day when they wake up and allows them to “fill their cup” with some quality alone time and family time before they take off for school in the morning.
Write a “Future Self” Letter or Utilize a Coping Item
Despite implementing all of the suggestions above, there will likely still be days and times during which your child is feeling anxious about going to school. Utilizing a coping item during these moments can be extremely beneficial. For younger children, this may look like a stuffed animal or picture of you that they can carry with them throughout the day. For older children, try having them write a “future self” letter to carry with them. Have them write a letter to themselves reminding them of the incredible, capable qualities that they have used to overcome their anxiety in the past. On those days where your kiddo might still be feeling overwhelmed by the idea of going to school, an item that brings them comfort can be a game-changer in their day.
Should I Seek Professional Support for My Child’s Anxiety?
While not all children will need professional support for their anxiety, some may. If your child is experiencing debilitating anxiety that is interfering with their ability to accomplish other daily tasks like bathing or eating, if they are consistently truant from school due to their resistance to attend, or if you suspect that your child may also be struggling with a larger mental health concern, you should absolutely seek professional support for your child. If you don’t already have or know of mental health resources for your child, their pediatrician or school’s Student Support Team should be able to connect you with the services that your child may need.