Talking to Kids About Gun Violence

As we woke up this morning to yet another mass shooting in America, the hearts of parents and teachers across the nation were struck with grief, helplessness, and probably most powerfully - fear. Not just the fear that our child or our classroom or our community could be next, but also the fear that comes with the sinking feeling of knowing that, in the age of 24/7 media coverage, some of our children will be acutely aware of the presence of violence and pain in our world much earlier than we would have cared for. Every time America is faced with another mass shooting (and, it is by no means lost on me that the use of the phrase “every time” is painful in and of itself), I am asked the same question by parents and teachers: how do I talk to my kids about this? How do I balance being honest and trustworthy with protecting them from the helpless fear that comes with such senseless acts of violence? There is no easy answer, because the truth is we would all prefer to never have our kids exposed to the frequency of such violence in the first place, and therefore never have to talk to them about it. But, the unfortunate reality of the world in which our kids are currently growing up means that we do have to address it with them, and while these conversations are by no means easy, I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful to your household or classroom.

Before I go on, I would be remiss if I did not point out that for children living in under-resourced communities, particularly if they are not white, the presence of gun violence has been a reality for decades, and continues to be a regular part of their realities that receives far less media attention and public outrage than mass shootings in other communities. This gets into a host of issues around race, equity, and systemic oppression that this blog entry is not nearly adequate enough to address, but it is essential to acknowledge when we talk about gun violence. If you are living or working in a community where gun violence is occurring regularly, these suggestions still hold true. However, this is something that I find is often underestimated when we discuss our children’s mental health: living in a community that often suffers from community violence is exposure to trauma. If you are living or working in a community in which this is the reality, I cannot stress enough the importance of providing trauma-informed care in your community, organizations, and classrooms in addition to the suggestions below. While there isn’t enough space in one post to address these unique and essential needs of communities living with gun violence regularly, I will certainly circle back to this in a future blog post of its own.

All of that being said, here are some suggestions for how to begin to have these conversations with your children or students.

Process Your Own Emotions First

This is a pretty simple one in theory, but a harder one in practice. You can’t guide your children through these murky waters with calm and comfort if you yourself are not calm and comforted. As parents and teachers these scenarios are rife with emotions like anxiety, fear, and anger. Take the time to work through your own feelings first and find some semblance of peace before having these conversations with your kids.

Find Out What They Already Know

Here’s the reality - when it comes to mass shootings, our kids don’t need to know everything. Please note: omission is not the same thing as lying. At no point in these conversations do we want to lie to our children about something they’ve already heard. However, if they don’t already know particular details about the story, there is really no social or emotional benefit to exposing them to them. If you have a younger child, they may never even hear about it, as young children are less likely to be exposed to the media and therefore less likely to be talking about it on the playground. If you have a teenager, it is highly unlikely that they won’t hear at least some of the details either from friends, from TV, or through social media. Regardless of your child’s age, follow their lead. While you don’t want to interrogate them about what they may have heard already, try asking how their day at school was, what they learned, what their friends were talking about, and other things you might typically ask your child. Creating a safe space to talk about their day also creates a safe space to be emotionally vulnerable, and signals to your child that you are there to support them. If they’ve heard some details but say they don’t want to talk about it, don’t force them or try to pry it out of them. Let them know that you heard about it too and if at any point they do want to talk about it, you’re there. Again, follow their lead. Try to (as calmly and casually as possible) get a sense of what they already might know, and then take it from there.

Listen to and Validate Their Feelings

Once you know where your child is in terms of how much knowledge they have, your arms are wide open. Listen to how they’re processing the situation, allow them to feel whatever they may be feeling, and remind them that you are there to support and guide them through scary things in life. Allow them to ask questions, they will likely have a few. Sometimes we pull away from letting our kids ask questions for fear that we might not know the answers. This is okay. If we discourage them from asking questions, we signal to them that this topic is taboo. Let them ask questions, and if you’re not sure how to answer in the moment, acknowledge it. A simple, “you know, I’m really not sure. I’m still thinking through some of this too. Can I think about it a little bit more and get back to you?” gives you time to gather a thoughtful response and models for your child that it’s okay to be a little confused.

Limit Exposure to Details

This ties into the second point about limiting your child’s exposure to what they may already know, however, pay particular attention to visual media. While I’d argue that the 24/7 news cycle is detrimental to all of our mental health (this is a post for another day), this is particularly true in this situation. Constant exposure to senseless violence feeds anxiety, fear, and a sense of loss of control, and we as humans are particularly vulnerable to imagery. We tend to remember images and video much longer and in a much more visceral way than we do a story. As much as possible, limit your child’s exposure to visual details they may see in the media.

Point Out the Good

Have your child identify people they can go to for help, whether it be a friend or family member or community helpers like police officers, nurses, and good samaritans. While we don’t want to deny to children in this situation that the world is sometimes capable of scary and hurtful things, we also want to balance this with another truth: in any situation that is scary or dangerous, we can always find people helping. This knowledge can help our children safely and healthily acknowledge and accept that there is sometimes ugliness in the world while maintaining their worldview that the majority of people around them are inherently helpful, kind, and compassionate.

Work on Solutions

One of the most difficult parts of processing violence, for all of us, is the deep sense of helplessness and loss of control. Very often we are overwhelmed by the feeling of “nowhere is safe. This could happen anytime, anywhere.” Our kids feel this too. Loss of control is scary and makes us feel vulnerable and threatened. Work on action steps with your child that help them regain some of that lost sense of control they may be feeling. While this will look differently depending on your child’s age, drawing a picture of all of the people who keep them safe, writing to their legislators, or praying if your family is religious are all things that can help kids feel like they have regained a sense of control amidst a chaotic event.

This is a conversation that as teachers and parents we all wish we never had to have with our children, and I know many of you will join me in saying it’s my sincerest hope that we will someday soon cease to be living in a world in which these conversations are necessary. In the meantime, I hope these suggestions are helpful. Be well, be loved, and know that you are handling this as well as anyone could reasonably expect of themselves.